so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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