You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just want nice things and good sex
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He? As in you personified your dick?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
