hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
