Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
