where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
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If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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