I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
