had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
