It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
