If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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