I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
