You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
