I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
