I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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