Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
