i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
