i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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