Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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