24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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