Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
