I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
