before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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