this just has baby written all over it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
