he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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