I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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