Don't make out with my wife yet
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
