I'm lost and stupid without you.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
