Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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