How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
