Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
