"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
