I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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