I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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