check it out our google latitudes are spooning
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm at about main and main street
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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