im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
