I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
