I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i've created a new STD.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
