My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
