Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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