the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
