what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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