just tell him i said nine months
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
