my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
