im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
