It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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