you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
