My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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