Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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