Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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