so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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