ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
