Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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