i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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