I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
