if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
